Den-izen of Neverwhere
by Random Guise
Summary: From the segment "Den", a part of the 1981 animated movie "Heavy Metal". I wondered what kind of letter the main character might write to a friend back home after his adventures, and this is the result. I don't own these characters or a glowing green ball. Not anymore anyway...


**A/N: An epilogue to the "Den" sequence from the 1981 movie "Heavy Metal".**

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Den-izen of Neverwhere

Boy, Neverwhere is great!

Well, what I mean is that Neverwhere _can_ be great. I could go on for hours about what it doesn't have: television, computers, video games, cars, doctors or even someplace to store some milk where it won't start to spoil after a few hours. If you go by that, it's a pretty drab place. I've been around the place a lot and I haven't found a single doughnut shop yet or even an electrical outlet. Or any sports that I can tell, either.

What it does have is ME! David Ellis Norman, former eighteen year old science dweeb from outside Des Moines. Except now I'm bald, and I'm built like that Arnold Schwarzenegger guy from those muscle contests. Except that I'm kind of the color of a prune - but a prune on steroids! I got teleported here from Earth during a lightning storm thanks to some green ball called a Loc-Nar. It must have been important, because when I got here people were fighting for it to rule the kingdom, or country, or planet or whatever they call it here. But when I got here, I got big in more ways than one and after eighteen years of being ignored by girls I got lucky with two in the same day. Now do you see why I think Neverwhere rocks?

I'll tell you what else it has - castles! Okay, not everyone lives in castles; some live in caves, and others in huts. But there are a lot of castles around here so I guess there isn't any middle class. It's also got a lot fewer people in it, but it's got one thing earth didn't have - monsters. Most are just everyday people…er, things…but no one seems freaked out about it so I just go along with the flow and all. I figure I won't call them monsters and they won't call me whatever name for humans they have.

Did I mention the flying bugs! No, not the kind that land in your soda when you're not looking. Oh, I miss Coke and Pepsi let me tell you. No, I'm talking about bugs big enough you can ride them - and I have! Me and Kathy fly all over the place on the back of this giant bee/fly thing. And I don't even need a license to fly it! But I guess there aren't too many of them because when we fly past people point up and shout "Den!" like they know me or something. Ard knew me because that's what he called me; it's my initials so maybe that's what they do here for nicknames or something. I wonder what Ard stands for? Good thing my friend Alan Steven Smith isn't here, right? I still don't know how Ard knew I was coming, though.

Who's Ard? He was the guy that was trying to grab that Loc-Nar ball thing to become the ruler. I guess he wasn't happy with the Queen and was planning on taking over; when I showed up (after saving Kathy from being a human sacrifice - it's a long story) he tried to get me to help against the queen. Then SHE wanted me to help after I made out with her and they both ended up getting teleported during a lightning storm here. Zap! Something tells me that green ball would be a lot safer on a planet without any clouds. I hope they didn't get teleported back to earth, because Mom is going to have a cow if they show up out of nowhere in my room. And since it's so warm here they didn't really have any clothing on when they disappeared. That could be another problem - Mom was pretty particular about people having to wear clothes in the house.

Too bad Mom doesn't know I have a girlfriend now. I call her Kathy, but her name is Katherine Wells and she's from Gibraltar, that place over in Europe. She's got the British accent and everything - it sounds really great. She's totally awesome, even though it's weird that she's a grandmother back on earth. But she changed too when she got here and got younger, and her hair went from gray to blonde. At least her eyes are still blue, just like that girl that turned me down for the prom last year. She's like totally happy I rescued her from being a sacrifice and she's grateful. REALLY grateful. Sometimes more than once a day.

That green ball thing is still here, but I don't touch it because I think something bad will happen if I do. Kathy says I could have the power of Ullatec if I did, but I bet it would just turn me into an asshole. Maybe that's the power of Ullatec, I don't know, maybe it makes you king or queen of the assholes. But I've already got a great body I don't even have to work out to keep, I can fly anywhere I want, I've got a castle to live in and a great girlfriend. Yeah, the world is kinda like those Conan stories but I still think those guys down at the Radio Shack would be jealous if they saw me now. Just your normal prune colored, bald headed, flying musclebound chick magnet.

Neverwhere rocks! I've just got to help these guys figure out how to make doughnuts and soda and I'll be set for sure.

The End

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**A/N: I just watched this movie for the first time (I had heard about it when it came out, but due to legal issues with the music it wasn't available on video for many years) and although I'm not a big fan of the soundtrack I found the animation choices - interesting. I suppose if I'm going to be subjected to violence and gore it is _slightly_ more palatable in animated form.**

**The "Den" segment (with John Candy as the main character's voice) was the most humorous, and naturally that portion drew me to it as a basis for a short. This would almost be like a letter back home except there is no communication channel available between the worlds. The character spoke just like a young kid on a field trip with almost a train-of-thought patter so I followed the style.**


End file.
